I had no idea how much pain he had experienced in his days as a woman. In fact, in his female years, I perceived “her” as brilliant, beautiful, and accomplished. She was successful, confident, and funny – – my friend and sister-of-the-heart. I loved her deeply and completely. While we had often joked about our “strong masculine sides,” I had no indication that identifying as female was causing her such profound distress.
Personal Transformation
After about fifteen years of being separated by many states, my dear friend recently had reason to travel from the east coast out to the West, and we made plans to spend a few days together. I was aware that “he” had embraced a new gender identity, but prior to meeting him as his authentic self, I expected everything to remain as it had always been – – and to some extent, it did. The warmth of the hug at the airport was genuine and familiar, and our love for each other remained unchanged. The name and pronouns were different, but that wasn’t a big deal. Or so I thought.
In truth, I was startled by how much my friend had changed. He sat differently, dressed differently, and spoke with a newfound strength. His overall demeanor was lighter, more carefree, and easy-going. In this new identity, my friend was happier than ever before.
A Journey of Grief
While I was truly delighted for my friend, I struggled with the change. Within a few hours of being together, despite my happiness for his evident comfort in this new expression, I began to experience a profound sense of loss. I felt disconnected and uncertain. This new version of him loved being who he truly is, but I found myself missing the person I had known before.
I cherished my sister-of-the-heart, and I was overwhelmed by the painful loss of our meaningful and uniquely female bond. Over thirty years of friendship, we had been there for each other during life-altering moments – from the birth of children to divorce and new marriages. Together, we had led sacred ceremonies that honored the divine feminine, welcoming the rising moon and chanting with women of all ages. What was I to do with these memories? Who would I share our stories with? In a vulnerable and less-than-gracious way, tears began to flow, and despite my sincere commitment to embracing his new expression, I couldn’t help but share the sorrow I was feeling. It was as if I had just realized that my sister had passed away, and she was gone forever.
The Gift of Understanding
“I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to explain this but I miss her and I never got to say goodbye. She’s just gone.”
He listened. He breathed. And after considering my words, my beloved friend gently removed a few items that represented his masculine identity and briefly stepped back into his former female identity. He did this to allow me the opportunity to express my heartfelt emotions and gratitude for our previous friendship. I was able to look into the female eyes I remembered. She became fully present. We cried together and laughed a bit – and shared stories that were precious to us. I could tell it was very hard for him to bring her forward.
Still, he gave us a chance to say goodbye to each other. It was an incredible gift and I am so grateful for his willingness to set aside his current identity, which he has fully embraced for a decade, in order to allow me to share my heart with the woman who had been so dear to me. This display of immense strength and love was truly remarkable.
Understanding Non-Binary Identities
Gender identity has evolved significantly over time, and today many individuals identify outside the traditional binary gender categories. Although this may appear to be a new trend, it has been present throughout history. I’m learning just how difficult gender identity can be — and also coming to understand how important kind and honest communication is when people we know make a gender change. It’s so much more than a simple change of name, hairstyle, or clothing.
Scientific Insights on Non-Binary Genders
Numerous studies have illuminated the complexities of gender identity, debunking the outdated notion of a strict binary system. According to the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH), approximately 1% of the global population identifies as transgender. (Before you discount 1% as insignificant, consider that it’s 80 million people.) Research also suggests that gender identity exists on a spectrum and recognizes that many individuals suffer from gender dysphoria, the distress a person experiences due to a mismatch between their gender identity —their personal sense of their own gender —and their sex assigned at birth. These findings highlight the importance of acknowledging and validating non-binary identities.
Spiritual Perspectives on Non-Binary Genders
Diverse spiritual traditions offer various interpretations of non-binary genders, reflecting their respective cultural and philosophical foundations. For instance, many indigenous cultures recognize three genders: man, woman, and two-spirit. Two-spirit individuals were esteemed in some Native American tribes for their spiritual power and role in healing ceremonies.
In Buddhism, the concept of “gender fluidity” is acknowledged, emphasizing the impermanence of all phenomena, including gender. Buddhist teachings encourage practitioners to observe reality without attachment to fixed labels or categories.
Hindu scriptures like the Bhagavad Gita describe the soul as genderless, highlighting the illusory nature of physical gender. Some Hindu traditions recognize a third gender known as “naga,” which refers to individuals with both male and female characteristics.
And, in many Pagan traditions, androgyny symbolizes a balancing force between masculine and feminine energies. It’s rooted in the belief that both gender poles are essential components of the divine, and achieving inner equilibrium requires integrating these opposites. Practices such as meditation, yoga, and ritual dance may facilitate this integration, allowing individuals to cultivate a more holistic sense of self.
Navigating Change
I’m actively working on remembering my friend’s new pronouns. It’s definitely easier since I had the opportunity to bid farewell to the person I once knew. He is patient and understanding, gently reminding me when I slip up, always with kindness and care. Yes, our friendship has changed, but not in terms of value. It’s simply different. My dear friend continues to trust me and shares his innermost thoughts, just as I trust him and know that his love for me remains as strong as ever. In fact, it’s entirely possible that we love each other even more after sharing this transformative experience.
Accepting and embracing non-binary and trans identities requires compassion, understanding, and a willingness to grow. I expected it to be easier than it was. I’m grateful that my dear friend has been willing to walk this challenging road with me, and that he works to understand my needs in the same way that I work to understand his. Through personal experiences, as well as scientific and spiritual insights, it’s evident to me that the binary gender framework I was taught is outdated. It’s time we create a world where all individuals can live authentically and be embraced for who they truly are.
If you would like to gain a better understanding of pronouns and gender expressions, I recommend reading this informative article from NPR.
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