The Real Reason to Blame Eve (12 Steps to Buying Jeans)

Why Women Can’t Find Jeans That Fit

Is there anything more frustrating than trying to find a new pair of jeans that actually fits? I’m obviously talking to women here, as men simply walk into the store, look for their waist size and length, and buy jeans without even trying them on. They do the same thing with swim suits. It is so unfair! But back to the ladies’ jeans. You ladies know how you have that one pair that fits perfectly which you wear all the time? In fact, you’ve worn them so many times the knees have finally worn through, but you really don’t want to go for the grunge or distressed look. Everyone who sees you wishes you’d buy a new pair of jeans, for crying out loud. So, with the holes in the knees, you realize you simply have no choice but to go jeans shopping. Ladies, we can blame Eve for this, among a number of other curses only applicable to the female sex.

Blame Eve

Eve is the first one who gave in to temptation in the Garden of Eden. When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. (Genesis 3:6). When Eve ate that fruit, was she thinking of her sisters several millennia down the road who would suffer for her poor choice? Did she think about how by her eating the forbidden fruit it would affect women forever when it came to buying jeans and swim suits? I doubt it. Because of her yielding to temptation, the Lord said, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16). And that, ladies, is why men don’t have to suffer when buying new jeans or swim suits. They rule over us. Forget child bearing. There is simply nothing more painful than buying a new pair of jeans.

The Twelve Steps to Buying Women’s Jeans

Thanks to Eve, here is how jeans buying for women goes:

1. Face the sad fact your one pair of perfect jeans is no longer wearable. This is where things get difficult.

2. Face the sad fact that it doesn’t matter what size you are, there are no ladies’ jeans which will fit you. It doesn’t matter that there are one-hundred different brands and eighty different styles and cuts. I’m telling you what you already know. There are no ladies’ jeans which will fit you.

3. Do what I do—settle for something that doesn’t look as horrible as the other nine-hundred pairs you have tried on, and buy them just to finally get out of the store(s).

4. Once you get them home, however, you will wear them once or twice, realize the jeans really don’t look good on you, and relegate them to the back of the closet where they will remain in obscurity until you finally donate them to charity. (Hah! Like some financially-challenged woman is going to want them.)

5. Wear the jeans with the holes, but only around the house.

6. Go online. Do what I did. I thought I was doing a smart thing and ordered another two pair of jeans in exactly the same brand, size, and style as the one pair that fit. The only difference was the color. Exactly the same brand, size, and style should fit exactly like the jeans I had, right? Silly me. When they arrived, they were too big. Making even less sense, the blue ones were bigger than the black ones, which were still too big. I really didn’t want to ship them back, so I decided to shrink them in hot water. It didn’t work. So now I have three pairs of jeans in the same brand, style, and size which all fit differently.

7. Start all over and try a different brand because no store carries the one brand that fit you. Go to several stores and try on everything from relaxed fit, regular fit, tight fit, waist high, low riders, boot cut, regular cut, skinny jeans, and even men’s and children’s jeans.

   

8. Somehow get the idea that skinny jeans might look good on you. I had that idea once. I was wrong. Not only didn’t they look good, but I felt as if I were being strangled by the garment and all the circulation had been cut off to my legs. It took me ten panicky minutes to pull them off my body. I was afraid the store would have to call 911 to have me medically removed from them.

9. Finally, in defeat, pay a small fortune for a pair you can live with and take them home. (See #4 above.)

10. Refuse to admit that the only thing left for you is jeans with elastic waistbands. Just say no to wearing them. You aren’t that far gone yet.

11. Stubbornly make up your mind to continue on with the quest for the perfect pair of jeans, while the dozen pair in your closet languish for lack of wear.

12. Maintain your sanity while shopping and staying away from skinny jeans by repeating the following: “There are no ladies’ jeans which will fit me.”

One Final Thought

The only comforting thought in this whole ordeal passed down to us from Eve is that it took the devil, himself, to deceive her. Adam was deceived by a mere woman.