We’ve all been there: embroiled in an argument with our partner, caught up in emotion, and perhaps most crucially, unsure of how something seemingly small escalated. The touchy topic of who’s “right” and who’s “wrong” in a conflict between a couple often misses the point and prevents partners from moving beyond the spat in a constructive way that provides tools helpful in avoiding future quarrels.
For instance, Alyssa, 35, and Rick, 36, are caught up in an ongoing cycle of bickering about small matters that often escalates quickly into a full-blown argument. Recently, Alyssa noticed Rick’s credit card statement on his desk and saw a $125.00 charge at his favorite Bike shop. Without stopping to gather information, she accused him of being extravagant and he counter attacked with blaming her for their financial problems because she reduced her hours at work to spend time with their two children. After calming down later that evening, she discovered that the bike shop charge was for their kids.
Stop Trying to Prove a Point and Make Repair Attempts
What Alyssa and Rick need is a way to stop blaming each other and to eliminate their pattern of trying to prove a point. They can benefit by developing a team approach to conflict resolution – realizing that working together is more important than being right. When each partner asserts his or her position and differences are addressed, a resolution is possible, and a partnership is formed. What matters is preserving love and attachment and getting back on track after a dispute.
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman describes repair attempts as the secret weapon that emotionally intelligent couples’ employ that allows their marriage to flourish rather than flounder. A repair attempt is any statement or action – verbal, physical, or otherwise – intended to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating.
In over 40 years of research in his classic “Love Lab” studies, Dr. John Gottman discovered that the number one solution to marital problems is to get good at repair skills. He explains that repair attempts allow a couple to get back on track after a fight and are an important way to avoid resentment.
Alyssa put it like this: “We tend to get irrational and dig our heels in when we fight – making things worse. Rick would say, “You’re always right Alyssa, you know you’re always right.” Alyssa paused and continued, “This would infuriate me even more. So now I say “I don’t want to always be right, I want you to understand where I’m coming from. And if that means we can’t talk about this right now, I’m going to go in the other room and read until we cool off.”
Patterns that Can Erode the Quality of Your Relationship
- Trying to prove a point or upping the ante. For instance, if you walk away or ask for a little space when you feel that your buttons are being pushed, this can diffuse an argument. When escalation is short-circuited, according to Markman, it’s usually because one partner backs off or says something to de-escalate the argument – breaking the negative cycle.
- Invalidation is a pattern where one partner puts down the thoughts, feelings, or character. of the other partner either subtly or directly. The best way to avoid invalidating your partner is to show respect for him or her and acknowledge their different perspective. For instance, when Alyssa discovered the bike shop charge, she could say, “I realize you must have an explanation for the charge, can we talk about it?”
- Negative interpretations occur when a partner consistently believes that their partner’s motives are more negative than is actually the case. For example, if Rick is angry at Alyssa for being too lenient with their kids about chores, he might say, “You are such a pushover, they take advantage of you.” He may fail to realize that she just asked them to set the table.
- Withdrawal or avoidance involves one or both partner’s unwillingness to stay with an important discussion, either by shutting down during an argument, or being unwilling to engage in a discussion (avoidance). When this occurs, it can cause ongoing resentment.
Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Feel free to ask a question here.
Terry’s book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.
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