Photo by joseph d’mello on Unsplash
Flipping the script on the punitive rod
Spare the rod and spoil the child – where did we get this from?
“Spare the rod and spoil the child” is a well-known aphorism that is often used to justify physical punishment. Even though the exact phrase may not appear in the Bible, it is based loosely on a few verses in the book of Proverbs, two of which are quoted below.
“Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.”
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Prov 13:24 (NIV)
“Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die.”
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Proverbs 23:13 (NIV)
Does the fact that these verses appear in the Bible mean that we should impart physical harm on children in the name of discipline? There is a real danger in taking Bible verses out of their proper context and jumping to conclusions about how to apply them in our daily lives.
The book “To Train Up a Child” was initially published in 1994 by a married couple who claimed that the methods for child rearing in their book were guaranteed to result in well behaved children. This book gets its title from another verse in the book of Proverbs:
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
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Proverbs 22:6 (KJV)
As I wrote in a previous essay, this verse is not a promise; it is a general principle. Unfortunately, some people assume that statements like this are promises that we can just “name and claim”.
Promoting psychological trauma
The book in question states that the recommended techniques are adaptable, regardless of if the child has a disability or psychological condition.
In this interview, Kendra Bryan, whose parents used these techniques in raising her, discusses the book and its impact on her family. The interview includes a video clip where one of the authors is shown demonstrating how to spank a child (on a rag doll). He can be heard saying that a little psychological terror can be more effective than pain. Unfortunately, this book has reportedly been linked to the deaths of three children.
According to reports, the parents of the deceased children admitted that they used the methods in the book to discipline their children. When this was addressed with one of the authors, his response was that some people take the methods recommended in the book to the extreme, but that when such reports show up in the news, his book sales on Amazon go up. What kind of a response was that?
Inflicting physical trauma
The book in question says that proper spanking must cause actual pain, and the authors even go as far as stating that it is most effective to strike a light rod against bare skin where nerves are located on the surface. They also give specifications for what instruments to use in disciplining children: for example, a one-foot ruler, or for a larger child, a belt or larger tree branch. Their goal is to teach parents how to break the will of children so that they are in complete obedience and submission.
Blanket training
I only heard about the concept of blanket training very recently. In essence, parents put an infant child on a blanket, and then put something that the child likes, like a toy or food, beyond the boundaries of the blanket. The child will naturally reach for the object, right? But according to this training technique, the child should be punished for reaching for the very thing that the parent tried to lure them with! Tempting kids with items they desire and then punishing them when they reach for the items is simply cruel! The authors of “To Train up a Child” recommend using their “training techniques” in children as young as six months! They even recommend discouraging babies from crying.
Babies cry – it’s normal. They are too young to express their needs any other way, and to try to shut that down is simply wrong. Imagine the impact on a baby’s emotional development? Teaching an infant that it’s not OK to cry is not the way to raise obedient, well-behaved children.
My baby brother cried – and I remember
The oldest of my brothers is almost five years younger than me and I am reminded of something that happened when he was a baby. My parents weren’t home, and it was just my brother and I with the domestic helpers at home. My brother was lying in his crib and wouldn’t stop crying. The house helps didn’t want to be bothered and one of them even made a dismissive comment directed at him. As a young child, I felt so bad for my baby brother, yet so helpless. I couldn’t understand why the adults in the room were ignoring him, when he obviously needed help – or perhaps just some attention.
That was decades ago – and I still remember. What if my parents and everyone else around us had had the same attitude that our domestic helpers had that day? Children who are prevented from expressing their needs in natural, healthy ways are at risk of developing unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Flipping the script – the rod of comfort
What if, rather than focusing on the “rod” as a tool for punishment, we took a healthier, more holistic approach? The 23rd psalm, a favorite of many, helps us do just that.
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
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Psalm 23: 4 (KJV)
Here, the rod is a symbol of protection. A shepherd protects the sheep from predators with a rod, which can also be used to gently guide the sheep. The psalmist speaks of the comfort he has in knowing that he has the protection of the Divine Shepherd. Wouldn’t it be great if those who are advocating for the use of the rod for punishment could flip the script and instead focus on using the “rod” for guidance and protection?
Resources
Author’s note: I had already written this article before I became aware of the resource below with the same title.
https://www.facebook.com/WhyNotTrainaChild/
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Living Foolproof! Wisdom for Daily Living
Transformation and Recovery: Lessons from the Butterfly
The Amazing World of Butterflies
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