Is every promise in the Book really mine when it comes to adult children?

Promise or general principle?

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

• Proverbs 22: 6

People often “claim” verses like the one above as promises that they can hold on to. But is this really a promise? One of the songs I remember from my childhood includes the following lyrics:

“Every promise in the book is mine,

Every chapter, every verse, every line….”

The book the song refers to is the Bible. We were encouraged to claim all the promises in the Bible as “ours”. The problem with this is that there are many statements in the Bible that are mistaken for promises. Specifically, the book of Proverbs is just that, – a book of proverbs, not promises. Proverbs give general advice and speak to general principles of life, but they do not guarantee results in every situation.

This is exemplified by the following story.

Are parents responsible for the behavior of their adult children?

I recently read an essay by Paul Walker on Medium about a very well-known American pastor and the legal troubles of his adult son. In the essay, Walker questions if the pastor, who we will refer to as “Pastor A”, should step down from leadership of his ministry as a result. Pastor A’s son was accused of orchestrating a fraudulent $16 million investment scheme and eventually agreed to pay the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) a sum of over $367,000.

The only reason Paul Walker was suggesting that Pastor A should step down is that he was trying to hold Pastor A to his own standards. According to the Roys Report, Pastor A has removed people from leadership positions in his church and seminary due to the transgressions of their adult children.

The Roys Report article also references a conference hosted by Pastor A last year, during which another prominent Christian leader who we will call “Pastor B” was an invited speaker. Pastor B has an adult son who is not only a nonbeliever, but reportedly openly mocks the Christian faith on social media. So, by Pastor A’s standards, both he and Pastor B are unqualified for leadership in ministry.

But is this really true? Can we really hold parents responsible for the behavior of their adult children?

Proverbs, Adages, Aphorisms

Let’s examine Proverbs 22:6 again. What is this verse really saying?

Synonyms for the word proverb include adage and aphorism. According to the Merriam- Webster dictionary, an adage is:

“a saying, often in metaphorical form that typically embodies a common observation.”

An aphorism is defined as “a concise statement of a principle.”

If people understood that statements like the one in Proverbs 22:6 are not promises that they can just “name and claim”, perhaps their expectations would be more realistic.

There are no guarantees in life. Good parents often raise “bad” children and some people who had horrible parenting end up living exemplary lives. Parents are responsible for doing the best they can to raise their children but can’t control the outcomes. Every adult is free to make their own decisions, regardless of how they were raised. It is unfair and unrealistic to hold parents accountable for their adult children’s decisions and experiences.

Your children are not mini – versions of you!

I once read a comment written by someone who had left the Christian denomination she had been raised in for another and started an online community for others in similar situations. She stated that she couldn’t really relate to others whose families were unaccepting of their changing beliefs, adding the profound statement that her parents were accepting of her, since they had not intended to raise “mini versions of themselves.”

The understanding that as a parent, your job is to raise your children and give them tools to succeed in life, including the ability to think for themselves and make their own decisions is priceless.

If Pastor A had only understood this, perhaps he wouldn’t have been so hard on his followers and perhaps it would be easier for people to extend grace to him now that, according to his own rules, he is no longer qualified for ministry.

Check out my devotional based on reflections from the book of Proverbs!